Peace of the Self

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A Little Each Day

I’m in a slump. I am. It may have something to do with the incessant SAT prep which doesn’t afford me much time to do anything else, but in truth, that’s just an excuse.

There isn’t anything harder than reaching a goal you really want to achieve. As humans, even the best of us have to fall back a bit and be a little slovenly at times. Procrastination is a weakness that I see in everyone, although some people have a better handle on it than others.

I believe the problem is that we live too much in the a present that is constantly moving ahead, without giving thought to what we want to achieve at the end of the day/month/year. Reflect on your day and ask, did I accomplish at least three things that develop me as a person? More often than not, the answer is no. You probably checked Facebook about fifty times, and this number is sans exaggeration. But why do we do it? Why would we rather spend our time doing inconsequential things than making concrete advances in activity X?

I suppose the answer has to do with the sheer insurmountability of many of the goals we set. Plus we’re just lazy. If I write down my goal as get abs by the end of the month, it seems impossible, mainly because I would rather be an oaf on the couch and eat pound cake, as well as taking into consideration the fact that getting abs is difficult. It requires a lot of personal investment and effort. How long is that going to take? Sounds like forever. I’d rather get personal gratification out of my pound cake than invest in something that at this point is comparatively intangible.

So we go on like this, not really achieving anything. Not being a person who gets better at something they love, or tries anything new. Just a person who stagnates. I don’t think you can be truly happy like this; of course, far be it from me to define anyone’s happiness, but I think a lot of happiness comes from growth. Rest, too, but growth is an undeniable part of a satisfying life. I am sure that when you ask yourself, “what kind of person do I want to be?” the answer is not “the person who lies around and tumblrs all day”.

As an individual who is commonly regarded as ‘disciplined’, the answer doesn’t lie in some mystical form of willpower. To be sure, I have a lot of that. Just not about certain things, like staying away from the internet or putting away pound cake. Which can be pretty detrimental in themselves. So I prefer to be smart about my goals. Everyone likes to feel accomplished, right? Well, taking a little action every day assuages that need to check an item off the list, while putting you on the path towards goal-fulfillment. 

First, you need to have definite goals to measure your progress against. The overarching goal can be abstract, like ‘become a better writer’. That’s what I have in mind. But as abstract as some goals may seem, you should always try and quantify them the best you can. To achieve A, I need to do B. In order to become more proficient at writing, I need to, say, write 20 pieces of poetry a month, and 5 prose pieces. Naturally, I’m oversimplifying a whole lot. Quantity is not better than quality. However, the main obstacle you’re trying to overcome is a lack of flow. If the action grows into a habit, you’re putting yourself in a better position to be in a state of easy mental/physiological/psychological flow whenever you perform that action. The thing is, if you wait for inspiration or the ‘right moment’, it’ll never come. 

Put up a reminder somewhere of 3 things you would like to do today, and everyday. For me, it includes exercise, write, and play the guitar. I don’t have to write something earth-shattering or learn a complicated song every day. Every 3-4 days, I also aim to write a blog post. I just have to do it enough that it becomes a habit, and break myself out of the mindset that these are time-consuming, or require large amounts of effort. Because they don’t. Yes, faltering happens. No, I’m not saying that you should make your daily goals so inconsequential that you never achieve anything at all. 

Simply put, if you break your goal down into manageable chunks, before you know it, you’re exactly where you need to be. More significantly, you’re exactly where you want to be. You’ve become the person you always aspired to be. That gives you the ability to be the best possible version of yourself, which is what I believe every individual wants to embrace.

The Strength In Anger

To take revenge is often to sacrifice oneself.

A fact of reality is that we are so often disappointed. By others, by circumstances. Disappointment can lead to the most potent forms of emotion that exists – anger. When we have been done wrong, what else is there to feel?

So much has been made of anger. Arguably, it can sustain vendettas and drive people toward goals, but I do not believe that its power is one that can bring about a lasting good. Anger was not meant to dwell in our hearts. When it does, it consumes, and takes you out of the zone of control. There is a reason we call it ‘losing our temper’ or ‘going crazy’ – because it takes us outside of ourselves, to the point where we cannot get a grasp on ourselves. That, I feel, is the ultimate loss.

This is not a discussion on what to do in the midst of an argument, but rather that nagging feeling that comes afterward. I’m sure you know perfectly well how to conduct yourselves in an argument. The place I find where I, and many people falter, is what happens when we hold on to it.

 There are several different scenarios that cause anger. Odds can be stacked against you. Occasionally you feel as though you have utterly misjudged a person, and they let you down.

But while circumstance can be hard, it isn’t damning. Seeking revenge is not the key, whereas seeking improvement is. The constructive slant on the goal in question is what makes temporary failure more palatable, and gives one the steely resolve to plough on, as compared to anger, which burns hot and toxic. Yes, it can help you focus at the best of times. However, the kind of energy that anger requires is immense. It drains you, and your passion for life. That good, loving satisfaction that comes with feeling positive. That gets snatched away by you deciding to remain bitter.

Furthermore, who are you to decide what someone else should be? I myself come with so many sharp corners and flaws, ready to bite and attack. Perhaps you should be glad that the person in question is as flawed and weak as you are. Everyone comes with multiple dimensions. By comparing the other party to yourself, it is that much easier to forgive. Did you not hurt somebody else at some point or another?

You do not owe yourself any prolonged frustration about the issue, but what you do owe yourself is peace of mind. Decide to forgive the other person, the circumstances, yourself, if that is who you blame. It may not be as easy as I have often painted things out to be, but you do have the power to forgive with time. This is the message I wrote on my hand (albeit a longer version) to remind me of the calm I found amidst my anger:  

“I am many things, and of those I am strong, and gentle and kind. My body may be slender and small, but I am a gentle giant. I have the fierceness of ten thousand lions, and as many lone tigers. But I also have the grace of so many felines, and I will bestow upon you my blessing to find happiness. My soul is infinitely stronger than this. It is as steel as I command it to be. So you will not hold sway over it any more. It is mine to command. I command it to roam freely, to find satisfaction and steadfastness. To accept failure, however temporary. To laugh in the face of adversity. To be a beautiful uniting force, with power used wisely. I have gained everything, dear friend. I do not intend to lose it.”

For you, the ‘friend’ in question may be any of the above things I mentioned. By bringing the target of your anger closer to you, and addressing it personally, it cannot be your enemy. It cannot steal your focus without your consent. It is only your friend. 

Anger can be a powerful force, which dominates you and your thoughts. Alternatively, you can accept it as a passing emotion, but move past it, and walk in the far more fulfilling light of inner peace. 

Overcoming Loneliness

“Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for.” - Dag Hammarskjold

 “There is no company like loneliness to keep you from being at one with yourself.” - Unknown

I’m not sure why humans feel lonely. In my own experience, we are looking for an answer to the call of our hearts. That call may or may not be answered, in a way that may or may not be satisfactory. It’s why so many people with intimacy issues turn to sex – the immeasurable closeness of the act gives a brief recourse from being alone. Finally you’re one with someone else. Loneliness has to be a top ten fear for most people. It is unthinkable. Tom Hanks could barely get by in Castaway, and at least Will Smith in I Am Legend had the dog. 

I find loneliness in so many people these days – my friends, my family, people on the street. Even myself, and I’m someone who has always thoroughly enjoyed being alone. I can be shut away with myself for hours. But at one point or another, we are all lonely, be it because you’re going through something no one else can understand, or away at NS, or by yourself in a strange city where even the weather is so uncomfortably foreign that you feel disconnected from the regular rhythm of life.

This blog is about recognizing feelings like this. But it is also about positivity. Positivity as an outlook changes you, because you notice the beauty in sadness, and turn that around to create a space of only real, unadulterated happiness. With that, here are my thoughts on taking loneliness to another level, where it is striking, it is to be embraced, and it is to be turned into something else entirely.

 1. Everyone needs to wallow sometimes. Humans need to be self-indulgent. Loneliness in itself has a special kind of beauty. It’s oddly romantic, that wistfulness and yearning. Feel free to enjoy that for a while. It can even spur you to create. Honestly I like putting myself there, because it is when I feel  the most, and where my thoughts can take a poignant shape for things like fiction or song covers.

 2. But instead of staying in that negative place for too long, to the point where you start to believe it, know when to pull back. Know at which point you need to go watch a parody on Youtube or leave the house to surround yourself with outside life. Or just go to sleep. A lot of the time I’m just tired or cranky. The dawn of a new day can make yesterday’s problems seem ridiculously insignificant.

 3. Eventually I think we need to come to grips with what loneliness represents – the fact that perhaps another person’s soul can never connect completely with yours. I don’t know if this is true or not, but I don’t believe it is necessarily a bad thing. Yes, it does make you feel utterly alone in some respects. In many. In most. Speech, song or art doesn’t convey a person’s soul – not really. Not in its entirety.

 But if you look at it from a different perspective, well, the one person you will always be connected to is yourself. You will always know you. So if you’ve been left alone, well, you have yourself to keep you company. Think about it. You’re pretty interesting. Why rely on the presence of somebody else or many somebody elses to determine your level of happiness? If we realize that we can always count on ourselves, loneliness would effectively be eradicated. We would continue to desire others, because humans do like company. I’m not advocating a hermitical lifestyle. But just that you should get to decide if you’re feeling good. Actively decide to love yourself.

 Frankly, I like spending time with myself. Peaceful solitude is something I seek. But of course, that’s not the same thing as loneliness. Yet by experiencing loneliness, and realizing that it is an internal feeling, you have the power to turn it into peaceful solitude any time you like. If it is internal, well, don’t you have the power to change it any time you want to? it doesn’t exist outside of your mind. A feeling is not who you are. A feeling is something that can pass, and something that can be utterly yours to control.

 4. That peaceful self-time can be immensely productive as well. It’s the perfect chance to develop into a better version of yourself. Take up a new language, do things that your friends aren’t that into. Spend time thinking about who you would like to be.

 5. Help somebody. You never know what loneliness is until you see someone down and out with no family, no friends, and no job. Is your situation really that bleak? It will also make you feel better for doing a good deed. I am strongly of the belief that a good deed makes you feel more at peace with yourself. Do a good deed that you want to do, and that fits in with your idea of what living a good life is, because if you take action without believing in it, it will not have the same ring of truth to it.

6. Just go ahead and talk to someone. Find a friend and let them know that you’re feeling lonely, and they’ll help you take your mind off of it. You’re probably not alone. Not really. Maybe they’re feeling lonely too. You don’t have to be all self-improve-y all the time. Friends are actually there for a reason. In the end, yes, you want to be independent, you want to be self-reliant. But you don’t have to get there by ignoring the fact that you have good people who will have your back at every turn.

7. Find someone new to talk to. It may or may not be successful. But it could open you up to new experiences and the way someone else lives their life, which is always interesting. Food for thought.

Loneliness is a universal emotion. There’s nothing wrong with that. Strive to be the best person you can be, but accept that nothing natural is perfect. What natural is, is an embracing of diversity and imperfection. But it shouldn’t rule you, and let you believe that you are worthless in any regard. Take time to affirm yourself, and even let your friends stroke your ego occasionally. Yes, you can master yourself, and your internal experience. Loneliness may be a universal emotion, but an emotion is never a circumstance. Understand that you can control that.